Thursday, August 13, 2009

#3 Eating Three-Course Meals in Class



All that learning and texting will make a Cuse Kid hungry, and sometimes, he or she has no choice but to grab some sustenance and bring it to class. But when Cuse Kids grab, it’s serious.

There you are in your Modern Europe history discussion session, trying to learn about the centralization/decentralization of power in Russia or whenever, when the girl next to you pulls out a Schine bag. You hope she will offer you a M&M or two, but that’s na├»ve.

No, she opens a container of salad. Romaine lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, black olives, two croutons, carrots, nothing fancy. You watch as she struggles to free her Thousand Island salad dressing from its little packet. She squeezes, closes the salad lid and SHAKES. This girl is shaking her salad with two hands like it’s a maraca, like she is the maracassist of Justice, if: 1- Justice had a maracassist, and 2- if that’s even the proper term. It sounds like thunder is spilling from her hands, like the lettuce is about to tumble to the floor. She gives the container one last pulse of confidence, just to make sure that it’s perfect, and then she starts chomping. Chomping on those carrots, chomping on those two croutons, this girl is making sure that her salad is good and chewed. And she is chewing, oh baby she’s chewing, she’s chewing like she’s a horse, like a horse that’s in charge. And then it’s over. You are relieved. You turn back to the TA who is talking about Nicholas II or something.

Not so fast. It’s time for pasta. And meatballs. Balls made of meat. She is slurping, twirling, flicking spaghetti sauce within inches of your hoodie. You like a girl who eats—balls—but all those Russian revolutions are damn confusing. Okay, good, she’s done with the pasta. Oh, wait, she’s licking the bowl. Now she’s done.

Back to Nick of Russia. The man has a solid beard, you are impressed and wonder why you can’t grow such a healthy beard. Do girls like beards?

Shit, she is gulping water. Gulping that fucking Aquafina like it’s the last bottle of H20 on earth. You can hear it echoing in her throat, you think about her throat, you are distracted.

What’s the difference between “tsar” and “czar”? You raise your hand, full of curiosity and impatience. But then you feel dumb and lower her hand.

Ah, yes, now for the M&Ms. They are the peanut kind, your favorite. The girl is arranging those little pebbles of chocolate deliciousness in rows: blue, blue, orange, yellow. You bet this girl is kinky. You do know that she is weird, or just hungry. You want to smack her. Hard. She. Is. So. Annoying.

“Take this review sheet on your way out,” the TA says. And you do.

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